What The Heck Are You Doing!
by SomeRandomMuggle
Summary: Ichigo and Rukia are having some alone time but Isshin gets the wrong idea and thinks that his son has developed a sick new fetish. Romance, Crack. Drabble-shot


**Note: **Recently got a funny PM pointing out some facts about Ichi/Ruki so I got this idea stuck in my head and wrote it down. Sorry Skelle! I couldn't do it! (sent PM why) I hope people find some humor in this and if you do so, leave a review! I don't usually favor this pairing (I don't put altars for any couple so I'm mainly into crackpairings, yaoi, yuri and het) for writing but once a plot bunny starts camping out in front of my computer I can't ignore it. Partly inspired by the first actual manga chapter of Bleach and other random happenings in the Bleach universe. WARNINGS: Sexual humor and some sexuality between Ichi/Ruki. No lemon. Some people may find this offensive, other may have a laugh or two.

**Disclaimer: **Before I forget like I always do... I don't own Bleach or make profit of this little shot.

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"Shouldn't you be in a gigai to do this? This is... kind of weird," Ichigo whispered hotly against Rukia's moist open mouth. He could feel her like when she was in her gigai but the fact that she was now in spirit form disturbed him. They'd just gotten back from exterminating a hollow at his school's parking lot and after he had returned to his body, Rukia who had yet to return to her gigai decided to get into an amorous mood.

That was how they ended up in his bed with him sprawled over her slender petite body. Due to all of their clothing, well mostly his own jeans and t-shirt, their sinous movements on the bed were clumsy and rushed, lacking completely in their usual finesse. However, with the beautiful small shinigami persistently trying to lift his shirt off his muscled torso, he didn't care for how ridiculous and uncomfortable they both were. All that mattered was that they were finally having some alone time in between all of the battles and for once his family weren't nagging him and shinigami weren't bursting into his room telling him about a new fight.

"Why? Do you think... its weird?" writhing underneath him, purposely pressing her crotch against his erection that was mercilessly being crushed by his too tight jeans, he could feel her kiss-bruised lips smiling into their kiss.

Pulling slightly back to gaze down at Rukia's big indigo eyes, he smiled gently at her, liking how she panted and the way the folds of her shinigami robes were open showing two small pert but perfect breasts with pale rosy tips that were hardened in arousal.

"No... It's not like anyone can see us," shrugging lightly, he covered her body once more as her small nimble hands abandoned the bottom of the shirt she had been trying to rip off him.

He vaguely heard her mumble something about his door still being unlocked, but he missed her words because one of her warm hands was now caressing his lower stomach and reaching towards his beltbuckle. Hearing the metal of his belt being released, he sighed and moved his lower body a couple of inches from her to allow her some room to finally pull down his cumbersome pants.

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_That Ichigo left the door open again! He thinks I don't know he's sneaking out and coming past his curfew! I don't know how he does it, but he's been doing it for awhile now!, _Isshin stomped up the stairs ready to go off on Ichigo for thinking he was stupid. He might _act _stupid ninety percent of the time, _well _more like ninety-eight percent of the time, but he was going to tell his son that rules were rules.

Reaching the door he was glaring foolishly at, he paused and then cocked his head to the side in confusion.

_"It's not my fault my pants won't come off! Just let go of me so I can take them off!"_

No response followed Ichigo's annoyed exclamation which didn't surprise Isshin.

_"Don't start arguing! You're killing the mood!" _his eyes nearly shot out their sockets when some very unmistakable guttural sounds escaped his son's mouth after those comments.

_"Don't bite it so hard... Ah...!"_

Unable to take the mystery of what was happening behind the closed door, Isshin gave up and slammed the door open with his shoulder, personally wishing he had a video camera to record whatever the hell his son was doing and with whom.

"WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING, ICHIGO?" he thundered, personally proud of his son only to have his jaw drop in horror at seeing exactly what his son was doing.

With his pants down to his mid-thighs, Ichigo was crouching over his mattress on all fours. The teenaged boy stared at him in the same amount of horror, gaping and reddening brilliantly at what he was apparently doing. From anybody's viewpoint, his only _son, _had been thrusting into something he couldn't see no matter how hard he tried. He could even see Ichigo's distended sex hanging in the air beneath him without anything to really make it that aroused.

"OH NO!" Isshin wailed dramatically at the terror of such a scene, his hands palming his face as he looked up at the ceiling woefully. "MY SON HAS A MATTRESS FETISH!"

"_WHAT?"_ hurriedly lifting his pants up, Ichigo's defended himself to no avail. "I wasn't humping the mattress, you idiot!"

"MASAKI! WHAT HAVE WE DONE? NOT ONLY IS HE GAY-!" sobbing at the grotesque discovery, Isshin hurriedly wiped at his teary eyes. "-HE'S INTO FURNITURE!"

"I'M NOT INTO FURNITURE! RUKIA QUIT LAUGHING AND GET INTO YOUR GIGAI!" Ichigo shouted in some direction of the room that had, in Isshin's eyes, _nothing._

"Don't worry son... I'll get you some professional help...," sniffling wetly, feeling real sympathy for his son's mental illness, Isshin left the room without closing the door behind him, thinking about calling some people over to help him get rid of Ichigo's mattress. After seeing _that _Ichigo was going to sleep on the floor, at least until a good psychologist told him that his nasty little mattress fetish was completely cured.

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Ichigo's whole blushing face twitched as Rukia continued to laugh histerically at what had just happened, her body rolling side to side in his bed. During his father's typical embarassing outburst, the shinigami had already closed up her robes definitely putting an end to their very needed alone time.

"Quit _laughing!_" he hissed through his clenched teeth and finally Rukia stopped guffawing at his shameful little father/son experience.

"Your family is one wild bunch...!" her voice croaked, probably because all of her laughter at his expense had hurt her throat.

Grinding his molars at how what had to be one of the most erotic experiences he could have with Rukia had become a parody, he growled, glaring at the misty eyed shinigami that was currently covering her mouth to keep more laughter from erupting out of her twitching lips, "I hope you get the closet ready for me because knowing how he is, I won't even have a fucking bed to sleep in from now on!"

"Oh, come on!" Rukia laughed, further irritating and hurting his wounded ego. "It's not that bad! You might even like being in there with me!"

Blinking, since he hadn't thought of that way, he felt a weak little smile forming on his lips as Rukia stared back at him confused at his change of attitude.

"You're right, it might not be that bad."

The closet was small but he would be able to be close to Rukia unlike ever before. Sleeping on his bed just didn't seem close enough...

And at least his father couldn't get rid of the _closet _as easily as his bed.

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Couldn't do a lemon for them. It's been awhile since I've written smut but its the thought that counts and if people think this was half-assed, let me just say that it took me half and hour to write this. ;-) SPOILERS: Note that Isshin can't see spirits because he hasn't gotten his powers back. And as for Ichigo being able to make out with Rukia while she's in spirit form, I'm kinda' using the fact that in the anime shinigami are able to open and close doors, break stuff and fight with physical beings, so why can't they _make out _with a someone that's alive? Just a random thought.


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